The WTF Moment
To say I was blissfully unaware of what my ex was isn’t quite true. I knew he had his problems. I didn’t like the way he treated me at times. But I told myself it was my fault. I could do better, be better, be thinner, cook better, keep a cleaner house, and on and on. If I did those things he wouldn’t have anything to complain about. I lived like that for 15 years.
It was year 16 when I began to wake up. I wanted him home more. I wanted him to engage with the kids more. It didn’t matter how hard I tried he refused. So I quit trying. The world didn’t end he didn’t treat me much differently. The insults still came but I was able to shrug them off. Then he started insulting me in front of the kids and I really started to perk up. I wanted something different. I knew I deserved better.
A few, very rocky, months later and some regrettable mistakes on my part, I decided to tell him I wanted a divorce. He didn’t. He wanted to talk. So we sat down after the kids went to bed to hash things out. It was then that I truly began to see who he truly was.
After two hours of talking at me he got no where. Then the insults really flew. Things that hurt so terribly that it took me years to forgive him. I couldn’t believe those words were coming out of his mouth. Two hours later we went to bed in separate rooms. The next three nights were the same. Yes, I stupidly sat down to “talk” again. I felt I owed it to the kids though.
There was nothing he could have said after that first night to save us. He told me how he really felt. No matter how much he apologized I knew, this was who he truly was. He didn’t care about me. He didn’t love me, I don’t think he ever did. It was a horrible truth that I couldn’t unsee. There was no us there never was it was only ever him and what he could get out of it.